Loneliness and the Crave to Connect
We live in an age where all stories have been told a thousand times. We hear the words, we hear the calls, we collectively know more and known that others know the same things we do than we ever did before, all that because we can tune into the collective cloud of exchanges and dialogues through a few simple taps.
It is a world of connection and truth, without a doubt, yet being part of the same reality as we are, it carries a duality with it, creating a space of illusions and projections as well. It lead us to scales we dared never dream of before, being able to share our thoughts and feelings with thousands, if not millions of people at the blink of an eye, rewarding us with colours and images, thumbs up and hearts and comments, triggering all the dopamine our brains desire (which is all of it), which allows us to feel pleasure.
And pleasure we like. Pleasure we need. Pleasure we crave.
What is pleasure though?
Definitions turn around being pleased, whether through sexual gratification or through something else we like, and related to worldly enjoyments as well, or being pleased with what we find around us.
And it is that exactly that is important when seeking pleasure, dopamine’s mission so to say, enjoying what is within and around us. Finding pleasure within our existence, in all facets of it.
And right now, we have a way to stimulate that neuro-pleasure spot with a little finger-work, and voilà, pleasure galore. Or not. Because sometimes, we get no return. Or the return is hurtful and makes us feel rejected and unloved. As beautiful a tool as the internet may be, it is a gamble to expose ourselves in that world, to show ourselves to so many people at the same time. Then again, we can put in all the effort in the world, and still no one will see us, for it is a world dense in information, meaning that we are quite likely to not be seen either. This means that it is not the most reliable source of pleasure out there, despite being the most easily accessible one.
Why may that be though? How has it become that we have created the most brilliant tool of interconnectivity we have ever known, only for it to be mildly pleasurable, if even?
As with many things we consume, tolerance builds up quickly, both with pains and pleasures, and so before long, we become more tolerant to the small things that gave us pleasure, needing more of a good thing to get to the same place, all the while imprinting within our bodies the instantaneous reach of that pleasure button. How foolish would we be if we were simply to continue facing our pains without neurochemical help, knowing very well we can relieve it at the press of a button?
A question remains beyond that: Do these pleasures really help with our pains? Does the internet have the ability to reach within the furthest depths of our souls, and make us feel a part of the world we live in? Or is it but a mere phantasm, a blurry projection of that relief we seek?
In truth, we are amazingly adaptable creatures, we have seamlessly integrated a massive access of information into our daily lives within the blink of an eye, creating a world of never ending pleasure and stimulation, overcharging our senses and minds with images and sounds and thoughts, allowing us to access and indulge in anything we would like fast that it takes to sing the alphabet.
Despite all of this, we are alone, and isolated, and feeling for wanting more, we may not even know what, but something beyond what we currently have access to.
How ironic is it that in this hyperconnected reality
we still feel disconnected?
How can it be that we live closer than ever, while never speaking to our neighbors?
We have complexified our world in the quest of ultimate satisfaction, but have forgotten that the solution lies in the simple things in life. When was the last time you shared a meal with someone? Or had someone else cook for you out of love and pleasure, and not because you paid them? Do you spend time around others? Are you safe to be yourself, fully, around them? Do they see you for who you really are? Do you see them? When was the last time you just gazed into somebody’s eyes, simply for the pleasure of it?
Our current global pandemic state hyperdrove our separation through the pressures of confinement and isolation, leading us into a world in which we all feel the same pains, with the same impacts, while being unable to share in them, since we have to keep away in a way.
As such, the natural movement was to move into the virtual world more, tuning our abilities to connect through the screens, accessing what we can in a semblance of connection. And sometimes it works. And sometimes it doesn’t. We have to turn off the screens eventually, come back into our direct experience of the world around us, extracting ourselves from the virtureality. It is a different reality that the one we experience without a screen, a mirror to another dimension, no less real than the one we live in, simply different.
We already face enough pains in our “normal” reality, with the constant pressures and overstimulations, and now we have the added pains brought about by this viral affaire, so there’s really no surprise that we try to seek the relief we can in the pleasures we have access to. We seek it in the virtureality, because we can, and we know it works, at least potentially.
Many people don’t, particularly in our elderly humans, who are now deprived of enjoying social spaces like coffee shops and parks where they would meet their friends and see fellow humans, sharing the same existential space as other people. We need this to remind us that we are not alone. That we are a part of something bigger, of a community and a collective, to be one amongst many.
It is this sense of connection that allows us to find pleasure in all aspects of reality, even the painful bits, this feeling that we are not alone to experience this, and for that, the internet can be great. But sometimes we need more to be able to process our pains, we need to feel others around us, sitting with us, maybe even with a hand on our shoulders or a hug as we breath together, feeling each other beyond what words and images can convey. We need to feel connected.
Which is the work of oxytocin, another neurochemical our brains love to synthesize, brought about by feeling connected to others, chasing away loneliness and isolation, allowing us to feel near others, to feel we are part of the same thing, that we share a bond and that we don’t have to go through life alone.
Yes, we know that “we are all born alone and will also die alone”.
But this is not true, already from the beginning, beyond even our birth, we could simply not be without two people coming together, and even if one is missing, no one is born with a mother being present.
Some may argue that we are alone in hearing our thoughts and feeling our feelings, but only insofar as we do not share them with others, at least the thoughts, for feeling emanate from within us whether we like it or not. This means others can feel us, and we can feel them, always, whether we want it or not. Which may very well be overwhelming at times, just as the lack of it may be as equally overwhelming. And just as with any other pleasure, we can develop a tolerance to feeling others, and even feeling ourselves, when the sensations get too much, and then we feel numb again. Maybe we will seek more. Maybe we will not, sitting with the craving, allowing our tolerance to drop. And sometimes the pains are such, that we never stop seeking more, without really being satisfied. The pleasure having run dry in a sense. Or at least this particular source.
Yet there are sources of pleasure that are as abundant as we desire, creating feedback loops that never die, pathways within our beings that allow us to maintain connectivity and pleasure, based in contribution and belonging.
Individualism has failed us insofar as it has convinced us of the necessity of making ourselves the center of our own worlds, focusing our gaze on our own being, emphasizing the separation between us and the rest of the world. Yes, it has served us well, allowing us to find our individuality within the group, which is necessary to develop our independence, but it is not sustainable, we are not designed to live in separation. Our biological reality bases our existence in social settings, the largest groups with which we feel the closest sense of connection are up to 150 individuals strong, our “inner circle” so to speak, allowing for the most direct experience of belonging. Who are you close with? How often to you see each other? Do you share your daily lives? How close do you feel to the people with whom you do share your daily lives?
Beyond that, we also group ourselves around shared visions and ideals, that, just as the internet, can become addictive and can overpower our abilities to make individual choices because we simply need to be a part of a group. We feel alone in this world, unless we belong somewhere. More than that, we also need to be able to contribute to the well being of the group we belong to. We need to feel useful, to feel valued, to see our efforts rewarded and appreciated, be it simply through recognition of our personal contribution. We need to be validated by others, for it is through them that we feel a part of the group, we cannot feel that we belong if it is a one-sided effort.
Inclusion is key, this is the gift we can give to our fellow human beings, for seeking connection can be a struggle for many, and as such, it becomes increasingly necessary to actively seek to include others within our realities. And not because we want to sell them something, because we must teach them something, or show them the way to a brighter future, or use them for our ephemeral quest for pleasure, but include them because we want to share time and space with them. We simply want to be together, no fluff, no pretense, not even brought together by a shared purpose, simply for the pleasure of being together.
If I’m being honest with you, the whole reason I am writing this is because I feel this need as well. I feel the weight of the isolation, the craving for pleasure, the numbness of overstimulation, the dopamine-release of likes, and the need to connect in proximity, having people share in my day-to-day life.
I also appear to see myself as a rather social being, finding ease in certain social spaces, being able to be present for others, and yet, I find myself at a loss before the vastness of the internet, and the design of our modern individualistic life, craving connection without knowing where to turn to.
Where are our spaces of simply being together?
The pandemic has shone a light on the dangers of isolation, has allowed us to gain perspective and be faced with one of the deepest roots of most of our modern discomforts, perhaps even leading us to a dialogue of care and connectivity, allowing us to create a new way of life, designing a new society, centered around the simple pleasure that nourishes us more than all the likes in the world: Being together. With people who you know, and who know you. To be seen, and felt, and seeing and feeling others. It is a very physical experience, even without touch, to share a space with someone, be it another person or a group of people. Our electromagnetic fields overlap, merge and bind and become untangled and mix again, creating a dance of exchange and connection, feeling each other if we dare pay attention to it, for we most be present to our being with others if we want to feel them.
And we must be willing to feel ourselves as well. And to show ourselves. Be as we are, no filters or pretense, without the need to do or perform, resting in the feeling that we are enough as we are, that we are a part of something bigger, and that we can enjoy our surroundings, being the spaces and people.
I have faith that we will make it through this experience of separation, this hyperbole of modern individualism, to come back to the roots of our human needs, choosing a path of simplicity and depth, favoring the truth, as painful or uncomfortable as it may be, so that we can find pleasure in existence again. We will make it through this pandemic and come together anew.
We are a part of a living world, of a living universe, larger than we could ever phantom, and yet, all the pleasures we need can be found directly in the little spheres our senses allow us to perceive, and as such, there lies the solution to all our modern ails.
So I ask of you, and of myself, please, speak to the people around you. Look at them, and share a moment in knowing silence. Bring your attention to others around you, invite them into your world, allow yourself to feel the desire for connection, know it is normal, and seek spaces in which you can share it with others. If you cannot find any, create them.
As much as I crave an effortless way of life in which all my needs are met through a caring social structure, we do not live in that world yet, and as such, it is up to us to create it.
Include others, share your thoughts and feelings, look at strangers, be brave and ask others to share time with them, open yourself up to being yourself, accepting you as you are, and extending that same compassion to others. Listen to them as you wish you were listened to, welcome them as they are, and if they do not make you feel welcome, know that another space awaits you, one in which you belong, one in which you can make others feel as if they belong as well. It is a choice we must make too, to accept the invitation within a group, for at times, we have become so comfortable in our loneliness that it is hard to allow ourselves to feel as if we belong.
There is little more we can do in these instances that be true to ourselves, be honest and try anyways, for uncomfortable truths will still leave us better of than illusionary comforts. Know also that your quests for relief and pleasure are natural, there are many pains in this world from which we seek alleviation and as such, accept yourself in this as well. And learn to recognize it in others, for it will allow you to extend your compassion to them as well. We all need the same things, we are hardwired for connection.
We may die alone, forgotten and isolated, but it does not have to be the story of our future, we can bring back communities that make us feel like the belong, that include us in their existence, and in which we must not fear loneliness again, and those communities may only come together through the efforts of individuals choosing to share their existence with others, pains and pleasures alike, helping one another through all that Life presents us with.
Be there for yourself, and be there for others.
We all need to feel connected, we are the same, even if we are not.
And please, seek to include others as well if you are able to, we will only make it through hardships together, supporting one another.
And I believe we can and will make it through, just as we can come together anew, breaking the barriers of social isolation and loneliness, bringing about a life we enjoy being a part of, a life we feel we belong to, as people, as individuals within a whole.
The hardships of this pandemic are not over, some other hardships may perhaps never be, yet together, we can face anything, and come back to the simple pleasures, allowing them to be maintained for longer than the ephemeral internet boosts. Continuity is key, so give yourself the time you need to be comfortable with your cravings, and open yourself to connection, inviting others within your reality for you are beautiful and valid, and so are they, and it is only together that we will thrive.
Stay safe and care, may our reality transform as we need, organically allowing us to connect as our souls crave, bringing about a world of belonging and unity.
You are not alone in this.
And neither am I.
Thank you ❤